Brave New World

A miracle has occurred under the progressive Obama administration. Despite criticism that it's become "soft on terrorism," the CIA finally came around and substituted Yoga for torture in all of its black sites and Gitmo.

Starting April 1, 2015, all detainees will perform eight hours of meditation, eight hours of Astanga Mysore and Led classes in the secondary and advanced series, instead of the customary eight hours of SERE-derived stress positions, and eight hours of Yoga Nidra on Manduka Black Pro mats with bolsters and blankets instead of rusty steel cots without mattresses or adequate cover.

As options, detainees who have been subject to extended periods naked in freezing rooms can elect the 105 degree Bikram classes in speedos. Detainees who've been "hanging around" (i.e., shackled from the ceiling), can choose the traditional Iyengar prop wall or the new "Aerial Yoga" slings.

 

Instead of waterboarding, each detainee will be juicing four times a day.

Forget torture, CIA theorists say; once detainees realize their true selves, they will just open their hearts and say exactly who they are. Of course, any self-respecting person will say, "this is merely a palliative; the enlightened path is to actually close Gitmo and the black sites and release them so they can attend the yoga school of their choice." The CIA remains unconvinced; it's jealously proprietary of its students.